"Well, keep your eye on the ball, for criminy's sake. I've got something big here. Is this a secure line?"
"Oooh, I dunno about that. The phone guy's on vacation. You might want to atch-way what you ay-say, if you get my drift. I mean, ift-dray."
"Hell's bells, Stan! Can't I leave the office without things falling apart down there? No wonder we're always behind the eight ball. What have you been doing all week?"
"Well, first we had to suppress that photo of President Bush in the Chinese pajamas. Did you see it? He looked like one of the Beatles on Sgt. Pepper."
"That'll just have to wait. We have fatter fish to fry."
"All right, lemme just get a fresh pencil. Okay, shoot."
"They've given us the authority to kill bin Laden."
"'Kill Bill Lowden.' Okay, how many Ds in Lowden?"
"Not 'Bill Lowden,' you idiot! Bin Laden. That terrorist with the long beard and the sweatpants."
"Oh, right. Wait a minute - weren't we already authorized to kill him?"
"Well, that's what I thought, but you never know around here. One day we're supposed to kill somebody, the next day we can't even tee-pee his house. These memos are driving me crazy."
"Should I double-check? I mean, what if we kill him and then somebody complains?"
"No, go ahead and kill him. We can always say we thought it was Castro."
"Hey, this could be our chance to get back in circulation! Everybody says we fell asleep the last 30 years just because we were reading Isvestia and trying to put LSD in somebody's vodka."
"Exactly. And now they're blaming us for all these terrorists sneaking up when we weren't looking. So we need to get up to speed, and toot-sweet. All right - anybody in the office speak Afghan or Pashtu?"
"I don't think so. Wait a minute - Bob in accounting knows some Latin. He was an altar boy."
"No sale. We need some Middle Eastern spin on this. What's happening with that recruiting campaign?"
"We've been running classified ads on all the college campuses, and since that dot-com thing blew over, we're actually getting call-backs."
"Good. Don't forget to mention the dental plan."
"Will do. We also have a radio spot by some youth-oriented singer named Afroman. He's got a song called 'Because I Got High' that he's going to rewrite so it comes out 'Because I Got Spies.'"
"Good thinking. We need some fresh faces around here. All right, about this bin Laden job - "
"I'm already on it. I've been re-reading the James, Bond books to get some ideas. He was quite a ladies man, by the way."
"Old hat, Stan! That's exactly the kind of Cold War thinking we have to get away from. We've got to get this CIA into the 21st Century."
"Should I check out Tom Clancy instead?"
"Bingo. And buy the hardcovers; we've got a billion bucks to spend."
Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and (http://www.wgnradio.com).