"Okay, how about this: 'Osama bin Lager - the light beer that brings out your dark side.'" "I don't think so." "'One six-pack, and you'll be hiding in caves'?" "No." "'The brew so bold, it's against your religion ... .'"

"Uh uh."

"Forget it, then. I'm washed up as a comedy writer."

"Maybe you're just depressed. You know, Seasonal Affective Disorder. Should I get you a box with a big light bulb?"

"No. I just don't know how to keep a sense of humor in wartime. Last night I wrote a bit with two Afghan sportscasters, Al Qaeda and Al Jazeera. If things get any worse, I'll be working for Mad TV."

"Stay with it. People need humor, especially now. Abe Lincoln used to read Petroleum v. Nasby and Artemus Ward to his cabinet."

"Those guys were pro-Administration. But how can you be a good satirist and a good patriot? Especially with all this military-tribunal stuff going on? Listen to this sketch: 'What happened to the Constitution?' 'They sent it out for dry cleaning.' 'Well, then, I plead the Fifth Amendment.' 'We don't use that one here. You can plead the Second, the 10th, or the 21st.' 'Repeal of prohibition?' 'Take it or leave it, traitor.'"

"That's funny. So what's the problem?"

"I don't believe it, that's what. I think it is unpatriotic to criticize the government in wartime."

"Who are you, John Ashcroft? What about civil liberties?"

"What about them? If you're not guilty of anything, what is the problem? It's not like they're saying, 'Drop by the office sometime so we can torture you.'"

"I just sent the ACLU a check."

"I'm saving up for smallpox vaccine."

"All right, how about a bit where you replace 'court' in all those TV shows? You could have 'Traffic Tribunal,' 'Divorce Tribunal,' 'Small-Claims Tribunal.' The witnesses are all blindfolded, and this time Judge Judy has a stun gun."

"Don't try to cheer me up. What people laugh at shapes their opinions, and vice-versa. We're under attack."

"All the more reason to hang in there. And look at all the funny new place names. Tora Bora, Tora Bora, Tora Bora. And how about that spokesperson for the Joint Chiefs, Rear Admiral Stufflebeem. C'mon, Stufflebeem, for God's sake."

"Maybe I am just depressed."

"Did you see that videotape they finally released?"

"Yeah. Bin Laden looks like one of the guys in ZZ Top."

"Now you're talking."

"President Bush says we want him dead or alive, it doesn't matter to him."

"I heard. Maybe they'll have a coin toss."

Copyright 2001 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and (http://www.wgnradio.com). Coming soon: (http://www.newsjunkie.net).

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