Man to Man

"Grandpa, can you help me? Dad's playing golf and Mom's at kickboxing." "Go ahead, shoot. Did I ever tell you about the time I met Wilt the Stilt?" "It's not about sports." "Car running okay? The internal-combustion engine is the most infuriating thing known to man, and I do mean man. C'mon, let's put her up on blocks and have a look."

"Actually, it's - "

"About sex? Right on. That's something your old gramps knows about. Did I ever tell you about the time I snuck into a girlie show at the LaPorte County Fair?"

"It's about birth rates, gramps. I'm supposed to do a science report on this new research saying men who eat fish from the Great Lakes father a disproportionately high percentage of sons."

"More boys, eh? Good. We're re-populating ourselves. Radical feminism finally burned itself out. Let's have a cold beer."

"Gramps, the researchers think the reason men father men is that the fish have higher levels of toxic chemicals, like PCBs."

"Nothing wrong with a few PCBs, son. Makes a man out of you. Let me tell you a little story about a fellow named Ted Nugent. Have you ever used a crossbow?"

"They think all the industrial pollution upsets the male hormones."

"Hormones, shmormones. Back in the old days, men were men and they weren't ashamed of it. Did you know that after dinner they'd ditch the women and go off by themselves for brandy and cigars? You know what they got out of that?"

"Cirrhosis and emphysema?"

"Bonding. Guy talk. Firm handshakes. And there weren't any unisex bathrooms either. Have you seen my bowling shoes?"

"It says, worldwide, females outnumber males because of their longer average life span and lower mortality rates."

"And answer me this: What's wrong with the word 'actress'? Now everyone's an 'actor.' Even the girls."

"This researcher still says we shouldn't read too much into it. He says, 'Being a boy is not a disease.'"

"And it's not true that we don't stop to ask for directions or do laundry or cry. I cry all the time. Have you seen my NASCAR cap?"

"Gramps, my question is: Shouldn't my paper conclude that the more toxic substances there are in circulation, the more men there will be?"

"We have to stand up and be counted! Did you know there's a new Bible where they changed the word 'sons' to 'children'? That's the kind of thing we have to fight against."

"So you don't know what the conclusion in my homework should be?"

"I'm saying we've gotten complacent! We've got to go back into the forest with loincloths and spears. Will you join me?"

"Thanks, Gramps, but this science thing is due tomorrow."

"It might be our only chance for survival."

"That's okay. I'll just plagiarize something off the Internet."

Copyright 2002 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and ( Coming soon: (

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