"Thanks, Bob. It's great to be here in our nation's capital with so many wonderful Americans wearing casual clothes."
"Well, let's give our viewers a taste of the festivities in store for them here at 'Inauguration 2001.' The big parade, of course, starts right after the oath-taking ceremony."
"Right, Bob. And the Republican theme sounds like one I might have chosen myself? 'Diversity: It's Pretty Neat!' There are also floats representing every race, creed, color, and national origin, even the ones who voted for me."
"Do you have a favorite float?"
"I do. It's the one that sprays orange juice at the crowd while it plays a tape of Anita Bryant singing, 'Come to the Florida Sunshine Tree.'"
10:20AM, PRESS CONFERENCE
"Can you give us details of all the inaugural festivities?"
"Okay, but first we'd like to point out that despite all the parties, dinners, concerts, marching bands, and coffee receptions, the president-elect is having only nine official inaugural balls, versus President Clinton's 14."
"How much did all this cost?"
"I'm afraid that information is classified."
"Can you give us a hint?"
"Put it this way. We pretty much used up that tax cut thing."
11:00AM. INSIDE THE PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE
"Billy Boy, if it weren't traditional for the incoming president and the outgoing president to ride to the ceremony together, I'd rather treat Dick Cheney for a snakebite than be in the same car with you."
"Relax, Dubya. As a member of the lucky sperm club, this is the closest you'll ever get to real greatness. Now, about that pardon. I was thinking that, just as a gesture of goodwill, you might want to?"
"Not a chance, Mr. Vast-Right-Wing-Conspiracy! Bad enough that you already pardoned everybody but Charles Manson. Now you pull this last-minute stuff with the forests."
"Couldn't let you turn the last frontier into telephones and toothpicks."
"Listen, Mr. Rhodes scholar. You're not the only one with a college degree. I went to Yale and Harvard."
"Oh yeah? Then why couldn't you come up with your own cabinet?"
"A lot of the people on our previous-administration short list turned out to be dead."
1:30PM. SWEARING IN
"Yes, Mr. Chief Justice. But I was wondering if, instead of the Bible, I could take the oath on this copy of How to Profit from the Coming Recession. You know, just for good luck."
"I suppose so. All right, repeat after me. 'I, George Herbert Walker Millie the Dog Bush Junior, do solemnly swear?'"
"I, George Herbert Walker Millie the Dog Bush Junior, do?"
"Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I thought we were swearing in your father again."
"No, he retired. But I'm sure gonna call him every day."
"Hold on! Bait and switch! The deal's off!"
"Deal? What deal?"
"That vote-counting in Florida. All right, everybody. We've been thinking things over and we're going to take one more look at those ballots before we commit to anything."
"No! You can't do that!"
"Yes, we can!"
"No, you can't!"
"Yes, we can."
"Al, Al, wake up!"
"Whaatt? Oh, I must have been dreaming."
"Well, wake up. It's time to get ready."
"You have two grand openings today, plus that taping of Hollywood Squares."
"Today? I thought that was next week."
"They moved it up. Gilbert Gottfried called in sick."
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