Gas and Oil

"Good morning, The White House." "Yeah, it's Ken Lay from Enron. Lemme talk to the president." "Who?" "Kenneth Lay. L-A-Y. I'm on a pay phone, sweetie. Chop-chop." "I'm sorry. Is he expecting your call?"

"Cut the comedy, doll face. Just tell him Kenny Boy is on the line."

"I'm sorry, Mr. ... Lay. I don't see your name anywhere on my list."

"You don't, huh? How about the list that says gave five million bucks to politicians since 1990? Ring a bell? Now, get the lead out, sweetheart, or you'll be answering phones in Guam."

"Five million dollars? Hold on, please. I'll transfer you to the Treasury Department."

"What? Wait a minute - "

"Good morning, Treasury Department."

"Awright, lemme talk to that secretary over there, whatzizzname, O'Neill."

"I'm sorry, Secretary O'Neill is busy jump-starting the economy. Can someone else help you?"

"It's Ken Lay from Enron. Tell O'Neill I need some of the money back - and have him threaten our creditors when he has a minute. We're in a bind."

"Enron ... Enron ... Oh, yes. Our records show Enron didn't pay corporate income taxes in four of the past five years, plus it got $400 million in refunds. Now, what was the question?"

"Listen, Poindexter! I gotta multi-zillion-dollar company going under, and I need some strings pulled, pronto! I already looted the pension plan and screwed all my investors. If things get any worse, I'm gonna have to put my ski resorts up for sale."

"Ski resorts? Hold on, I'll transfer you to the Commerce Department."

"Hey! Wait a minute - "

"Good morning, Commerce Department."

"Awright, lemme talk to that secretary, Don Evans. Tell him when I give somebody money, I expect a little quid pro quo; all I'm getting is a runaround. You guys are worse than a bunch of congressmen."

"Sorry about that. We're usually pretty good about the whole one-hand-washing-the-other thing. Now, who did you say is calling?"

"Kenneth Lay. From Enron."

"Um ... hello? ... Hello? I can't hear you. There's too much static on this line. Hold, please."

"Don't hand me that! Hey, I told you I'm a fat cat - "

"Hello, Vice President Cheney - I mean, Domino's Pizza."

"Dick? Is that you? What's going on? No one'll take my call."

"Ken? How did you get this number? The wheels are off the wagon, Kenny Boy. Cut your losses, and get out of the country while you can. I'd think about some plastic surgery, too. A little collagen, and you could look like Charlton Heston."

"What are you talking about?! This is just a speed bump, that's all. We buy off the Justice Department, the SEC, and the FBI, and we're home free."

"Forget it, Kenny. This Arthur Andersen thing is the smoking gun. You're all going to jail."

"It's a big mix-up, that's all! We told them to get our papers together, and they thought we said, 'Get out the paper shredder.'"

"No good Kenny. And don't call me again."

"You guys kill me! When Clinton was here, you could get a round of golf and stay in the Lincoln Bedroom, then put the whole thing on Visa."

"Times change."

"I should have gotten a receipt."

"Live and learn, buddy boy. Hey, how about the Cayman Islands? They're real nice this time of year."

Copyright 2002 Newrite, Inc. All rights reserved. GLW's on WGN Radio AM 720 and (

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